Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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