Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
