Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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