ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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