I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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