Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
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Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize