I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
