I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
