In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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