look no pants
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
