Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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