Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
