You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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