You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
