i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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