The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
