He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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