can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize