She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't want my vagina anymore.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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