you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
3 2 1 whiskey
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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