i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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