My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
