I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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