My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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