Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
