On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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