At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
