That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
