Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So squirting runs in the family.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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