I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
