WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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