My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
