I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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