1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
