She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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