its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
