My room smells like vodka and shame
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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