i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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