Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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