So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
