Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
