We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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