Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
