I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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