Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
