Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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