News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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