i barfeds in our rink
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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