ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
