puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
