idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
