I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
