There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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