He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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