Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize