im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
